Love Your Body Now
Love Your Body Now
Why Your Relationship Triggers Are Actually Doorways to Growth
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I’ve been having a lot of conversations with othrs regarding triggers in our relationship with our parnter, and i felt it was needed to do an entire video about it. As someone who struggled with my own triggers in my relationship, I now understand that this was a healthy aspect of our relationship an growth!
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Hello, welcome back to my channel, my podcast. Wherever you are listening to this, I am doing this recording in my car and I have the windows down a little bit. It's super windy so I'm hoping that the wind doesn't catch too much in the microphone because it's kind of loud in the background. So I apologize if that kind of messes with the audio at all. But I really have been wanting to do an episode video on this specific topic because, first of all, it was something that I really navigated in the depths of my healing, self-awareness, embodiment journey and also, as I'm like working with clients and you know my relationships with my friends are deeper, you know we talk about these really deep, vulnerable things and this has come up so much in conversations with friends, family, clients and I think that it's I really have been wanting to do like talk about this for a long time and I just have not had a moment to record an episode on it. But it's like something that I felt very strongly about that I'm like this has to be a video and we have to talk about this, because I don't think a lot of people fully understand this and I didn't either in the beginning, but I want to talk about why being in a relationship with someone and being triggered in your relationships is actually a good thing. So this doesn't just go for your partner, like whether you're married or you're with someone. This isn't just about that, but it is very like that's what we're going to be talking about. But the whole idea that getting triggered in certain relationships and with other people being triggered is a good thing, but not if you don't use it to your advantage. So I want to dive into that because, as I am coaching women in my Back to you Mentorship six-month container, we just spoke about this in our second call about how to actually use triggers to your advantage and how to really use them to grow as a person and to heal. Because here's the thing I think a lot of people believe that being triggered Okay, sorry about that, I had to stop the recording real quick because the UPS guy was delivering a package right here. That's the benefit of recording in the vehicle outside is you never know what interruptions are going to happen. But I had to pause because that would have been a whole distraction.
Speaker 1:So anyways, diving back into what I was saying, being triggered is a good thing and the reason that it is a good thing is because, when you use it correctly, it allows you to better understand yourself and to work through whatever belief that you are holding on to about yourself. And I think a lot of times what people end up doing with triggers is they cast the blame onto other people, and that is a waste of your time, because we are here on this planet ultimately to better understand ourselves, to grow and to become the best version of ourself and like really reconnect back to who we are at our core, and triggers are tools that get us there. If you do not have high enough emotional intelligence yes, I'm going there triggers will always have control over you and you will not grow through them. Triggers are meant to help you grow because everyone in your life, everything in your life you've created, it's all a mirror of you. So everything in your life is literally a reflection of you and that's how you grow. It's never about the other person.
Speaker 1:So, like anytime I see people like lose their shit over a trigger or something someone else said, it instantly tells me that they do not have enough awareness and control and observation over their own emotion and what's going on with them internally. And I say that with kindness. I say that with love and compassion, because at one point that was where I was at in my own journey. So it's not like you just wake up one day and know how to handle your emotions and triggers that come up. It takes practice, it takes repetition and it takes a lot of work, which is exactly what we do in my six month container, where we dive deep into this, because it is so much easier to cast the blame onto other people when we get upset. It is so much easier to say I'm mad at you versus okay, this emotion came up for me, what is this saying about me? What would I have to believe at my core for this response, this emotional response, to come up? That is how you always are able to work through it, because an emotion, any situation, everything in life has no meaning. We give life meaning, we give situations meaning, we give circumstances, we give what people say meaning, we give situations meaning, we give circumstances, we give what people say meaning.
Speaker 1:And if your body has an emotional reaction, a negative emotional reaction, that instantly will tell you that you've created some kind of meaning behind what has happened and that's what allows you to understand. Do I want to continue carrying this belief or this meaning, because we can't just see our subconscious beliefs, we can't just pull back a blanket and see a list of these are all the subconscious beliefs that I have. We have to have enough emotional intelligence to understand when an emotion comes up, our mind and our body work together. So if the body has an emotional response, your nervous system has some kind of chemical response happening that can easily be tied back to the core belief that we are holding and the meaning that we are giving it. So this is something we like dove into last night in our call as well, about really how to reverse engineer the emotions that we experience, the habits or sabotage that we have in our life and the thoughts and the words that we speak. It all ties back to the subconscious belief that we are holding and we can easily well, maybe not always easily, but we can use those clues in our life to directly tell us the belief that we are holding onto that is causing all of those effects, all of those symptoms to come up within us. And once we have that power, that is how we reprogram and we use the same with the reverse engineering. We can use that same tool to reprogram the new belief.
Speaker 1:Again, it's not going to happen overnight. It takes a lot of work and it takes a lot of intention. It takes just as much, if not more, intent to reprogram your beliefs as it does if you are someone who is first starting out on a fitness journey, a diet, and you have to intentionally, every single day, every single meal, every single workout, have a plan, have intent, have repetition that goes behind it in order to get the results that you are looking for. And it is the same concept when you are reprogramming your entire being and I think that it is actually a lot harder to do this because this is your identity that you are reprogramming. This is what your brain believes to be who you are at your core, and your ego will do anything and everything to protect that identity at all costs. Because when you start to change your identity, your ego feels like there's an attack happening. It feels like you have to defend yourself at all costs, because you've become so accustomed and used to being how you are and you're comfortable in it. Used to being how you are and you're comfortable in it in your brain, in your ego, in your body. Do not like feeling uncomfortable. That's just our natural way of existing. So it takes a lot of power within you to go against your natural state of being to make those changes. And that's why in our container, in our program, this is like we are heavily in this. We are deep in this because when you have that extra support and guidance as you are navigating this, you are so much more likely to stay on track and to see success from it.
Speaker 1:I did this like I went on that journey I wouldn't say all alone, but in a lot of aspects it was on my own. I navigated in my own way and, knowing what I know, now I know how to support women in that same journey, because I went through it myself. I know what I know now and what I've learned. I can see it in them and in whatever stage that they're in, I can see it. I can identify it so easily and help give them that bird's eye view of themselves instead of being stuck in the middle of it. Having that outside perspective and having other women who are also navigating that as well, they get to be seen, they get to be heard and they get to be celebrated for overcoming themselves, because we know that in our day-to-day.
Speaker 1:We don't always have people and resources and support systems that understand that and know how to hold that space for you and celebrate with you. Because the micro, micro breakthroughs that these women experience in this program are huge. They look like micro breakthroughs but the micro breakthroughs are pivotal and I'm talking like someone catching themselves before they react to a situation that they typically always react to. Being able to catch themselves and hold on to the reaction and instead use it as a moment of self-reflection, that is a breakthrough. And to let go and tell someone who's not in that deep of work and be like this is what happened, they're not going to get it, they're not going to understand and they don't have to. I had so many moments like that where I had no one to share that with and that's why having this program and this space in this community for women is so important to me, because those moments deserve to be celebrated and deserve to be recognized, because they are pivotal in your journey, as you are unlocking parts of yourself, as you are healing parts of yourself and you are unlocking levels of consciousness.
Speaker 1:So I know I kind of like went off a little bit on a tangent there. So I know I kind of like went off a little bit on a tangent there, but let's get back to the topic at hand, which is being in a relationship and being super triggered in a relationship. Something you need to understand about your relationship with your partner is like attracts, like. So the energy or the frequency that you vibrate at, you are going to naturally attract someone at the same frequency or energy. You will never be able to attract someone who's like not at the same level as you to some capacity. And the reason that this happens again like going back to every single situation in your life. Every single person in your life is a reflection of you. It's to help you grow, it's to help you heal, and when you understand that and know that you can see every person, opportunity, situation, everything going on in your physical reality, you can see that as what is this teaching me? What am I meant to learn? What am I meant to grow through this? How is this going to help me heal? Because it's all there for you, for your growth, for your reflection of yourself.
Speaker 1:So when you are with a partner and this goes for people who attract people like this is going to sound bad, but like women who are in abusive relationships. It's not saying that the abuser and the person who is abused is are like the same person. That's not what this is saying. It's saying they're vibrating at the same frequency. So there's both. Both parties are have a level of healing that they both need to grow through and heal through, and that's why they are attracted to each other. And so that's not to say that, like women who end up with abusive people like that, that's their fault, but that's why they are like, attracted to one another and that's why they naturally gravitate to each other. That's what happens is like you're at a same level of frequency. It doesn't mean you're holding on to the same things that you need to heal through, but there is a level of frequency that matches and that's why they end up together. That doesn't mean they need to be together forever, but each person has something that they can heal through with the other person Because, again, we naturally attract the right people, the right situations, the right opportunities to help us grow and heal. Now, it doesn't always mean that the person is going to use it for that reason, but that's why then they will keep attracting the same thing over and over and over again, until they learn thing over and over and over again, until they learn they will not attract the healed version of who they're meant to be with, until they've done the healing and they've learned the lessons that they needed to get out of that situation. So just wanted to like point that out for those situations, because I know people will wonder, like I've thought about that before too and when I was still learning about this.
Speaker 1:Now, going back to like who you are attracting and the partner that you are with, when you are with like a healthy partner, so not an abuser, not a predator, and you are attracted to each other. And then and I'm speaking from experience so me and my husband got married in 2020. And that's when we moved in together and I don't think anyone talks about this oh my gosh dirt just blew in here. Anyone talks about this? Oh my gosh dirt just blew in here. Anyone talks about this. But I've learned that if you are with the right person to heal with, they will trigger the hell out of you, especially in your first couple years of being married together and living. Living together and like putting your lives together. They will trigger the hell out of you and this is a good thing because, again, like attracts, like we attract the person that can help us heal the parts of ourselves that need healed.
Speaker 1:And the easiest and fastest way to heal isn't through therapy, it's with an actual partner, because a lot of the pain and the traumas and the things that we go through in life happen in the family dynamic. Right, they happen when we are kids and we're learning and experiencing things, and, again, this is nothing to blame family, but that's where we are exposed to our traumas and the things that we hold on to. It's in that family dynamic. And then, once you are with your partner, you are in that family dynamic again, and that's why being with someone actually has the potential to help you heal so much faster than if you're trying to do it alone in therapy, or even if, like with your other friendships, other people in your family that you no longer are living with anymore, right, like you've grown up and you've established your own life. That is why we get so triggered by our partners.
Speaker 1:And then what tends to happen is a lot of people start to question is this the right person for me, is this someone that I am meant to be with, because we're fighting all the time or we're getting angry about little things that we shouldn't be getting angry about, when the truth is, this is coming up and this is happening because your soul is begging you to use it to heal. It is an opportunity to heal because, like I said in the beginning, when we are triggered, it is an opportunity to heal because, like I said in the beginning, when we are triggered instantly, that is a key clue of what is the belief I have to have for this to even be triggering me, because it doesn't mean anything. I give it meaning. Nothing has meaning. We are the ones that assign everything meaning. So if I'm having a negative experience to something, what is the belief that I am holding onto that is causing me to feel a negative experience? And that's when you can go down this deeper rabbit hole of okay, so start journaling Like, what is the thing?
Speaker 1:And maybe it was an experience or a trauma that you went through and you need to be able to sit there with yourself and feel the emotions and, almost like, give the child version of you or the younger version of you the love you needed and the compassion that you needed in that moment to heal through it. Because in order to heal, we have to feel what happened. When we go through traumas and experiences that we don't know how to handle, we have this unprocessed emotion that happens and it gets stored in the body because we don't feel through it, we don't know how. And that is when you use those moments to really feel into this emotion that was never processed, that you never allowed yourself the space to heal through it. And, of course, you have to be in a safe space, safe enough space to be able to allow yourself to feel that. So that's a lot of what we dive into in the program is, if your nervous system is stuck in a state of survival mode, it's going to be very challenging to allow yourself to heal through these triggers and these past traumas, because you don't even feel safe enough in your environment to get to that point.
Speaker 1:But that's why, when I said earlier, like being with a healthy individual, obviously someone who's like not a narcissist, not an abuser, not a predator, who is literally, you feel like your life is in danger being with them, you're obviously not going to feel safe enough to use these triggers and use these moments as a opportunity to heal through your own wounds, because you're in a state of survival. At that point Now you could be with someone who is healthy. You do have the safe environment to do that, but you've trained your nervous system to be in a state of survival because of your traumas and you may really have like it may feel challenging to create that safety within your body, because just because you, just because you are in a safe environment, doesn't mean you have safety in your body to do that. If you have not had safety in your body for, however long it's been, it takes it takes like it is repetition Again like it takes a lot of self-awareness, it takes a lot of emotional understanding of what's going on and you have to recreate safety in your body in order to give yourself space to heal. So if you haven't done that, where you don't even feel safe in your body but yes, you are in a healthy relationship but then all of these triggers are coming up for you.
Speaker 1:If you are not in a safe like, your body doesn't feel safe, your nervous system doesn't feel safe. Well, we know that the survival mechanisms of the nervous system will put you into your sympathetic nervous system, which essentially looks like fight, flight, fawn or freeze. And that's why, when you were getting triggered all the time but you have not felt safety in your body, your nervous system will respond in this way and you will start to feel, maybe like a flight response, where you feel like, is this person right for me, maybe I need to get out of this relationship, like you're starting to like your survival instincts are starting to show up, or maybe you get the fight response. So anytime you get triggered, you like just your nervous system heightens and you're in this like sympathetic state and you just want to fight with the person because that's that is your nervous system response. Right, you don't have enough safety in your body to understand what's going on. That that is the response that happens. Or maybe you are fawning and you end up trying to people please your relationship, so you try to like mediate the situation instead of working through the situation and you put his needs or whoever else's needs above your own to avoid the conflict, and that is also your nervous system's response. Or maybe you freeze, you completely shut down, like you completely go into depression mode. That is a nervous system response, because you don't have survival, you don't have safety in your body.
Speaker 1:And I talk about this in the program as well, where we talk about your nervous system thermostat. We all have like a level of where our nervous system thermostat sits at and when it is like at its lowest, think of that as like your parasympathetic. You're at your calm state, but a lot of us, because we are so dysregulated, we're in such a state of survival for a majority of our day and it gets stuck. So then we start to create this level of dysregulation within our body to where maybe we're like from a scale from one to ten, so one being at the bottom, your calmest state, and ten being like you are beyond reason and you are feeling all the emotions and that's all you can feel and it just like completely takes over you. Some of us get stuck in this dysregulated state of maybe you are naturally or normally at a five or six.
Speaker 1:So think of this as like maybe you're someone who gets startled very easily or you get very overstimulated in settings where there's a lot of people or there's like bright lights, like. Think of like being overstimulated. You get overstimulated very easily. That is an indication that you have a very dysregulated nervous system and you're sitting higher up in this nervous system thermostat and what that means is if you are let's say, your regular state is at a five instead of the one or two and something happens like a trigger where you get angry or you get upset. You only have a small window before you get to the part where your entire nervous system sympathetic system kicks on into survival like full-blown survival and then you experience the fight, flight, fawn or freeze blown survival. And then you experience the fight, flight, fawn or freeze symptoms. So maybe I'll do a whole video on like the nervous system thermostat and like give you a visual of what I'm talking about, because we dove into this in one of our calls a couple weeks ago in the mentorship to really help the women understand their body and their responses to what's happening.
Speaker 1:Because we cannot make these changes from the wind's getting super loud. We cannot make changes from a state of dysregulation. We can't make changes from the conscious mind. You have to work with your deep subconscious and your nervous system, your mind and your body. That's what it is to make and reprogram yourself. You can't skip it. People will end up sabotage. Sorry, just got cut off by an alarm, but that is why so many people will end up sabotaging things in their life, good things in their life, things that they consciously say that they want. That's why they sabotage them, because their mind and body have not been trained to hold those things they can't. You can't hold beyond what you've trained your mind and body to hold. You have to expand your container, and that's exactly what we do in the Back to you Mentorship, and so I want to leave you with.
Speaker 1:Actually, before I wrap this up, I just want to say one more thing about the relationships. In your relationships, it can be very easy to cast the blame on the other person. It can be very easy to feel like you are doing effort or you are giving effort in the relationship. You are doing your part right, but I want I'm going to say this with love the dynamic wouldn't be what it is without the both of you. I'm going to say that again the dynamic of the relationship would not be what it is without both of you. This is not someone else's fault. This is both people. So, as much as you may want to cast the blame on your partner for things not being how you want them to be, or how they should be, or how you wish they would be, I want you to know that you were part of the problem.
Speaker 1:I say that with so much love because this was something that I had to reconcile myself. I would cast the blame so much on my husband when I was triggered, like well, I'm doing this and he's not doing that, and blah, blah, blah, and like this is what I want and why don't you like? I would be like, why don't you see me as worthy enough? Or like why don't you do these little things for me and romanticize me? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Speaker 1:And what I really started to realize as I went on this journey is there were things that I like, my energy as a whole. That's what was reciprocated. So my energy, who I am, the frequency that I was vibrating at his, has to match mine. So whatever he wasn't doing, whatever I felt like wasn't good enough, blah, blah, blah. I had to take a hard look in the mirror of myself and understand that this is the reciprocated energy how I show up for myself, how I carry myself, how I love myself, how much I respect myself, how much I view myself as worthy, whatever. That is that frequency of it. That is what has been reciprocated and that was a hard pill for me to swallow, because it made me realize that, oh shit, I am showing up at such a low vibration for myself. It is going to be reciprocated right back to me, it is going to be a direct reflection of me, and that's when I really started to take ownership.
Speaker 1:And you can go back and watch the video, too, where I talked about wanting to deepen your relationships with others. This is tying back into that. It's being able to be your own hero. Be the person that is the most madly in love with yourself. Show up for you like you would show up for your children or for your partner, and stop giving your power away to other people.
Speaker 1:Stop thinking that your partner has to be the person that makes you feel good about yourself, because if you don't feel good about yourself, that is a you problem. It is not because of him, it's because of you, and I know that that's hard to hear, but it's the truth. Everything that you want from him, you are not giving to yourself. Because here's the thing when you heal, when you start to take your power back and give the things that you crave from him or her or whoever, you stop craving those things from them because you give it to yourself and you start to feel so full, so whole, so loved, like you, just like your cup starts to fill up so much that you no longer care. And I'm not saying like you don't love your person, you don't want romance and all of those things, but it stops becoming like this need you no longer need it? Of course you want it, of course, yes, of course I want to be romanticized, of course I want these things, but whether you give them to me or not will not affect me in the way that it used to, because I give it to myself. I feel whole with or without you, and that's how the people around you grow. That's how the people around you will start to reciprocate that energy.
Speaker 1:No-transcript learn more about, kind of like the framework that I teach and follow with our, my program, with my program Currently, right now, the six-month mentorship program is not open to join, but I may create like an application if you are interested in getting on a wait list for the next one, and then, of course, you can join the email list, which will be linked below so that you can stay in the loop of other offers. We do in-person workshops, events, virtual events as well, and I also have a clothing brand, all centered around what we teach. So if you want to check any of that out, I'll make sure to link it below, and if you have any questions, feel free to leave a comment below and I will see you in the next one.